The Letter
by Kiri
Summary: Hotohori expresses his feelings about Nuriko in a letter to him. Shounen ai abounds, of course.
1. 1

The Letter **The Letter**   
by [Kiri][1]

Part 1   


It couldn't be. It was impossible. I wasn't in love with him. 

It wasn't because of him. He was one of the sweetest, kindest, gentlest people that I had ever met. Yet he was a man. 

He made me laugh. Who had ever wanted to see me laugh? Not the emperor... but me. He did. He loved me. 

And I had hurt him. I knew he loved me, but I had ignored that. What was I supposed to do? Both of us knew that nothing could ever happen between us. 

I was sitting outside the palace underneath a tree I knew he favored. I saw him sitting out here alone when he had nothing to do. Sometimes he was silent, sometimes he sung softly, sometimes he read. But it was here that he went when he needed to be alone. 

I leaned my back against the tree, knowing he had done the same. It was, of course, foolish to even be here. What if he saw me here? What would he think? 

I rose, the only sound accompanying me the brushing of my long robes swirling around me. My mind had been made up. 

I loved Nuriko. He did not know it, but it was his presence that I cherished even more than my beloved Suzaku no Miko. I had noticed when he was gone those two days, out with Miaka and Tamahome to go visit Tamahome's family. Up until that point, we had been together frequently, whether with Miaka trying to find the other seishi or him helping me plan the details of their trip to Hokkan koku. 

I didn't want him to go. Selfishly, I wanted him to stay with me, to make me laugh, to cheer me up, to keep me from getting too stressed by silly daily matters. But, like me, he was a seishi and had higher duties. 

I knew exactly how much I was hurting the one I loved, the one I couldn't love. I never acknowledged his feelings for me, never gave him an answer. I think, even then, before I had known he was a man, there was something about him that intrigued me. He was so strong, so sure of himself. He had the bravery to survive in a world that would have cast him out and destroyed him had it known his secret. 

Sometimes- well, often- I envied him. He was free to be himself. Once he was finished with his seishi duties, after we called Suzaku, then his life could be lived as he pleased. 

I wanted to be part of that, to taste his wild freedom with my own lips. I needed him in more ways than he would ever know. 

I had to tell him. I would go crazy, continually hurting him like this. 

And... I wanted him. I wanted him beside me forever. I wanted to tell him how I felt. 

I wanted to kiss him. 

I had decided. I would tell him. I had to tell him. 

The matter of an heir could come later. I would tell him and hopefully he would agree. Maybe... he would let me show him how much I loved him, let me give him my heart, let me kiss him... 

Such simple pleasures that lovers enjoyed I longed for. I had never touched his hair. I had never embraced him. I had never even given him a hint of my feelings. 

Stepping forward, moving towards my chambers in the palace, I determined to tell him everything- my heart, my desires, my wish that he become my empress. I would not force him to do anything, of course. Everything was completely his decision. I knew he loved me. 

But I was still so afraid. 

What if he said no? 

Banishing that thought, and the thought of an heir, from my mind, I shut the door to my room and began to compose a letter.   
[][2]

   [1]: mailto:kiri@fushigiyuugi.org
   [2]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/fiction.html



	2. 2

The Letter (2) **The Letter**   
by [Kiri][1]

Part 2   


Dearest Nuriko... 

No. 

Dear Nuriko... 

No. 

Nuriko-kun... 

No. 

Frustrated, I finally just started it with "Nuriko." He would understand. 

The words came onto the paper quickly, a waterfall of written emotion. I told him everything, all my reasons for what I had done, what I felt now, and what I wanted of him. I told him I was asking, not commanding. I told him I was asking as a person, not an emperor. 

I asked him if he would marry me when he came back from getting the shinzahou. 

I told him my fear and my hopes, my dreams and my nightmares, everything I had longed to tell him for so long. I prayed that he still wanted to hear the words from me, from the man who had ignored his heart and most likely broken it. 

It took me hours. The sun had been high in the sky when I had begun, but it was dark by the time my pen finally lifted off the paper from signing my name at the end. I did not even read it through. I could not. If I had, I think I would have thrown it out. I was afraid. I was terrified that he would say no. Opening myself up like this did not happen often. I had already been rejected once, by Miaka. That had hurt, but it would be nowhere near the pain that I would be in if he said no to me now. 

Taking a deep breath, I sealed it and pressed my name against the hot wax, declaring to everyone who this letter was from. I prayed that no one would find it but him. 

I stepped away from my desk and out of my room, into the hall. I would bring it to him myself. That way it would surely get to him. And no one else would read it. 

I reached his door, raising my hand to knock gently on it, praying he was there. 

And he was, for the door opened, and hazel eyes looked up at me and he smiled.   


_Nuriko,_

_Please consider my words carefully. I do not intend to force you into anything you do not wish to do. But I would like to explain myself to you as best as I can._

_You have told me before that you love me. I am hoping that this is still true._

_When you come back from finding the shinzahou, I would like to make you my empress, if that is what you want. Because no matter how hard I try to hide it from myself, I love you..._   
[][2]

   [1]: mailto:kiri@fushigiyuugi.org
   [2]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/fiction.html



	3. 3

The Letter (3) **The Letter**   
by [Kiri][1]

Part 3   


"Hotohori-sama," he greeted, still smiling that beautiful smile. Perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect hair... he was as beautiful as I was. I had to force my hands to stay at my side rather than caress his cheek as I wanted. What would he think of me if I did that? I remained where I was, rather stiffly. 

I watched him a moment silently, drinking in his features, his smile, his eyes gazing only at me. Once again, I had to restrain my hands. I just wanted to take his small frame into my arms and embrace him. I wanted to know the scent of his hair, to press a kiss on his cheek, to feel him hugging me back. His face faltered a moment, aware of my staring and my long silence. I tore myself from the depths of his eyes and gave him a weak, hesitant smile. "Nuriko," I said, and then faltered. Why was I doing this? He was a man, despite his looks. 

Yet he had fooled the court for nearly two years now... Why could he not continue to live a charade? But I was asking him to live a lie. Did I have the right to do that? 

"Hotohori-sama?" he asked softly, his voice scattering my thoughts. "Are you all right?" 

Fumbling for words, I just nodded. I gathered my courage in the moment of silence that surrounded us. "Nuriko, this is for you." I held the letter out, waiting for him to extend a hand. 

He did, a small delicate hand, ready to accept my sentence of love or ruin. 

I nearly pushed it into his hands, forcing it away from myself before I destroyed it. My courage was wavering. What would I do if he said no? 

"What's this?" he asked quietly, looking up at me. His eyes were those of a very young man, but in them he held the wisdom of one grown old too fast. Death can cause that. I wondered how many dear ones he had lost. 

I shifted uncomfortably. "It's... a letter." I met his eyes again, my voice pleading. "Please don't open it until you have found the shinzahou." I did not need him getting distracted by me when Miaka needed him the most. 

He nodded, his deep eyes so serious. "Thank you." He paused a second, his quiet voice more beautiful to me than any instrument, than the birds of the air. "Hotohori-sama?" 

I gave him another small smile. "Yes?" 

"You're worried about her, aren't you?" His eyes were so concerned. Concerned for me, for my feelings, not for the emperor's. Sweet Nuriko... untouchable as Miaka had been. 

My hand managed to escape me and I reached out and touched his shoulder, my voice low. "I know she'll be fine..." I don't know what I was thinking, but I stepped toward him and enfolded him in my arms, hugging him tightly. 

I could feel him stiffen slightly, praying it was in surprise, but I did not let go. "You have to keep yourselves safe," I said quietly, then corrected myself. "Yourself." 

Tentatively, he hugged me back, a little unsure about my sudden display of affection. But from here, I could smell the light scent of his hair, feel his heartbeat... from here, I could turn my head slightly and kiss his cheek... 

But I did not. When he came home, if he still wanted me, then I could show him my feelings. Now was not the time. 

Against my wishes, I pulled away from him. He looked a little stunned, hazel eyes gazing up at me in surprise. I smiled slightly at him, the man I loved. "Be careful with that letter." He nodded, his eyes still wide. "And take care of yourself." Because I would not be there to protect him. 

He nodded again, then spoke, uncertainty in his voice. "You have to be careful too." 

I laughed quietly. "Of course." I turned slightly, away from him, knowing I had to go, but wanting to stay. "Oyasumi, Nuriko." 

"Oyasumi, Hotohori-sama," drifted his voice after me down the hall as I walked away from him. 

After the shinzahou, he would read my letter. And then... maybe we could be together...   
  


Return to [Tokyo Tower][2]

   [1]: mailto:kiri@fushigiyuugi.org
   [2]: http://www.fushigiyuugi.org/TokyoTower/fiction.html



End file.
